She's BAAAACCCKKK!!! With Random Thoughts of the Absurd, of Life, and Some Prose

My fan base has requested over and over that they need more writing, more 'stuff' from the mistress of the manuscript, the lady of the letters, the babe of the bullsh...ok, we'll let that one go. You get the idea.

With the holidays AND Laine my son here, I haven't much felt like writing nor taking pictures. (Mostly I lie awake and pray that the sirens I hear have NOTHING to do with either kid...) But my fans insist, so I'll attempt some of dat writin' stuff. Here are some thoughts (and if there are words within parens that are 'by me', that means I created it out of my own pointy little head);

RANDOM THOUGHTS OF THE ABSURD, OF LIFE AND SOME PROSE (wait a sec-those two ideals are mutually compatible-life IS absurd and the absurd is throughout our life. Whoa.)

** I love this technology stuff, there are so many ways to get ahold of people if you really need to in case of emergency. FOR INSTANCE, a girlfriend who doesn't have a cell phone nor a computer has a sister who is in a coma. She gave her out of state family my cell number and email address for quick information sharing, because she knows that if I have info to get to her, I will track her down, go over to her apartment and beat on the door until I find her. It happened tonight, her younger brother called me, I gave him her home phone and was going to call her after 1/2 hour myself. If I couldn't've gotten ahold of her right then, I would've gone over to her place. Now I'm checking flights for her that vary day by day and time by time, to get the best deal at the best time, so we'll be on the spot ready. That's what friends are for.

**It’s good to get outside opinions on what’s going on in one’s life. Spouses and family members are sometimes not only too close to the problem (analogy-too close to the forest to see the trees) AND are hampered by having to live with that person AFTER giving the advice! I find it’s advantageous to have a trusted friend or two (or three or five or…) who will give you their softened truthful opinion and who, when they can sense that I don’t like their opinion AT ALL and go on the warpath, have enough warning time to beat feet out of the area or refuse to answer emails or their phone. Family members have to stay and take it and clean up the mess afterward (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, things thrown and broken, whatever).
But that’s why we have a healthcare family plan, right?

**Sometimes we learn things to not necessarily know how and when to use the information learned, but how and when to NOT use said information. Or even when to hint that you know and COULD use information.

** Just because someone says, "Yeah, I've heard of you!", that doesn't necessarily mean it's in a GOOD way. ASK them.

**I don't retreat, I regroup.

**At my aerobics class-they come for the workout, they stay for the show. I tell them, "If you like my class, my name is Lynne. If you DON'T like my class, my name is Rhonda".

**The old saying, "A friend in need is a friend indeed" didn't take into account the Dow sliding 15% in 2008. "There are givers, there are takers, gang-bang bee-atches and fakers; there's good friends, there's split ends, people I'd go to the earth's ends..." (by me)

** I am, "She who must be obeyed". My daughter Jackie is, "She who must NEVER be hung up on".

** "Bite me" is the phrase that is nearest and dearest to my heart; "I could be your mom" is a close second.

** Words on a deceased cop's headstone: "I am not above the lawn". (by me)

** Snickerdoodle Cookies-Breakfast of Champions. And lunch. And a little nosh inbetween.

**My son gives himself an oil change every time he washes his hair. (by me)

**I always pour champagne too fast so that it ends up bubbling over the rim...HEY, maybe THAT'S why they call it, 'Bubbly'! Whoa.

**A spelling contest for a witch doctor is a "JuJuBee" (by me)

**From the white woman with a small percentage of Lenne Lenape Delaware tribe in her, some spells and curses for those who wouldst cross her...

**May you blow out all the windows of the cars on a street with your backfiring OEM non-stock exhaust and have to pay all damages thereof.
**May you win the lottery and, with the publicity, get a summons in the mail for back-owed child support (that totals the exact amount of the lottery winnings!) for a 'fling' you had in the '70's. And leaving you with a helluva tale to tell your current S/O.
**May the milk in your refridgerators go sour and you not realize it until you've already drunk half of it from the container.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * *

SOME PROSE

**I like the thrill of the ultimate convertible
It takes a lot of concentration
I give it 120% and scan almost 360
Because being a mom, I still have my eyes in the back of my head (by me)

**A MOTORCYCLE HAIKU (5-7-5 syllables)
Fast motorcycle
100% awareness
Otherwise you crash. (by me)

Why do I ride? (by me)

When people ask me why I ride a motorcycle

At my age, they think it absurd!

They think I’m ‘channeling’ Brando or Fonda

And think me quite disturbed.

I simply reply to them that I just like

The feel of the wind in on my face

Just like a doggie with his head out the window

Going in the car someplace.

I go down the road full tilt,

People say I kinda look like a cop

So they slow down from their speed, get kinda anxious,

Wondering if they’re gonna be stopped.

I start to pass them, they look and get scared,

They wonder if it’s a big bad biker dude,

They realize as they see my stuffed animal on the back

And there’s a palpable change in their mood.

I flip my visor up and smile at them all

And wave my non-throttle glove

They realize that it’s a MOM on that bike, we part with smiles!

Kicking the shit out of stereotypes is what I LOVE.

# # # # ## # # # ## # # # ## # # # ## # # # ## # # # #

I really like this cute lil' female doggie. And the white thing with fur, too. (I will leave it as an exercise to the reader to decide which is which...it really could go either way, y'know.)

**For the wind in my face

For the road under my tires

For the accompanyment of my engine I ride,

Not just for the destination, but for the journey

by Jim McLeod "Ol' Dirtbeard" President, Capital Cruisers

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * *

Lynne

Riverside Chapter 345's Holiday Party Dec. 6, 2008

This should actually say, "Danger, PEOPLE drinking" but we ladies were reining in to take our squiffed significant others home.

Amazingly this is how I looked even after our 230 monthly ride. After a little makeup and a curling iron, that is. Sylvia and crew made some CUTE table ornaments (Syl, if I got this wrong, lemme know who actually made them!)

Great food. Here's the menu.

Pretty good, pretty funny, the guys rib each other wildly! I love the special award Doug got.

Nice party at Marie Calendar's in Corona, great food, Mark gave an overview of the Chapter's year and what the guys did, who of the guys were especially noteworthy, very funny.

There seemed to be a resurgence of the gift that Barry got first thing from the 230 party-wonder where THAT came from?!!
We ended up with some pretty neat gifts-a pair of 3-D bookends and I got a bottle of Merlot and a gift certificate for motorcycle accessories and gear to Buckles and Belts in Calimesa. Will probably be a nice ride out there. SHOPPING! Jim T got the most noteworthy gift-a large stuffed animal and a can of SPOTTED DICK. (It's a type of pudding-ish thingy from England...I tried to find it for a few 'gifts' I was considering, but couldn't find it. Rats. Above, all the ladies. Below, the Barbanos and the Shapiros.

International Motorcycle Show Saturday Dec. 6 2008

It was pretty good. Got to sit on the new Yamaha 950 cruiser which has my name written all over it...I noticed there were more women's riding vendors this year, which was a great thing.
to be continued...

I just signed up for my clinical EMT 'ridealongs'.

My 'shift' will be 10 AM - 10 PM on two Mondays. I report to CARE Ambulance http://www.careambulance.net/ (a VERY tightly run, well-thought of company, very professional, expecting and getting only the best personnel and giving the best service around) about 1/2 hour prior, get my assignment to a station, then get practical experience riding on an ambulance with EMT's/paramedics. One of our substitute instructors for my class is the Ops Manager of CARE, great teacher, great guy, learned a LOT from him.

Before I called, I made a list of the days/dates I could do my clinicals, so I had an idea of my preferences in dates. Didn't want to schedule my ridealongs on school days because I'd mess up my lecture hours. I called the scheduler Lori at CARE and was able to get two of the slower days, thank goodness. I'm kinda apprehensive about this, because we're talking people's LIVES here. I feel confident that I'll do a good job and learn a LOT though, because I've dealt with quite a few illnesses with others and myself here and there in my life, so I just have to brush up on my initial assessments/general impressions/rapid trauma or medical assessments, yada, yada, yada. Plus don't even get me started on the PAPERWORK! Interviewing EMT's, getting their evaluation of me, patient assessments (at least 5 per clinical ridealong) plus filling out the prehospital documentation forms that are almost as daunting as a 1040 long form. (What am I saying? I LOVE the 1040's and additional forms involved!!!)

I have to wear a uniform, my badge, my shirt, blue or black pants, hard boots, hair up in a bun, take my blood pressure cuff and stethoscope, you know, the whole professional drill. Hmmm, gotta find a blue or black jacket too, because it'll be cold, I betcha. (just thinking out loud and outside the box, as usual)

I don't think I can take any pictures of the trucks or the guys or whatever, probably not even the front of the building. I can always ask, but maybe somebody can take my picture in front of one of the generic trucks, or maybe with the guys. Don't want to look 'touristy' or stupid, but since this class is a very important part of my life, I do want to document my travels through it.

A nice little Sunday ride 113008

We decided to do a short Sunday trip around Fullerton road, coming out to Hacienda then going west on Newton to Turnbull with Rhoda and Ted on their Goldwing trike-Ted's getting the hang of it but he still kinda guns the throttle before releasing the clutch; plus he actually goes 15 MPH when the sign says 15 MPH for the curves on Turnbull; and I have to teach him that when the lead rider pulls over, you pull over BEHIND him instead of keeping on going. I was tailgunner since I had my brand new first aid kit.

But I digress...

After we got gas and they went home, we decided to do a little more riding-like Carbon Canyon. It's open now, but I want to go back there and take pics-all the trees and the greenery in Carbon Canyon State Park (where mountain bikers would ride) is totally gone.

The first pass thru Carbon Canyon Barry and Jackie just HAD to stop for a cigarette. It was then that Daddy said for Jackie to try sitting on my bike, picking it up, etc.

Here's the historic moment caught on vid-

Teaching aerobics and getting creative for the holidays.

(sung to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")

“On the first day of Fitness, my teacher gave to me”:
1) A hustle forward with a step touch.
“On the second day of Fitness, my teacher gave to me”:
2) Side kicks
3) V-Steps
4) Hot spots
5) WIDE SQUATS
6) Double grapevines
7) Legs a-curling
8) Lunges backwards
9) Double knee lifts
10) Jumping jacks
11) Mambo cha-chas
12) Hopping ponys

Riding the day after Thanksgiving 112808

Went down to Champion Motorsports & picked up my visor; went over to Cycle-Gear in Fullerton & picked up two rainsuits at $19.99 each, then ended up here (photo) on Birch Street in Brea.

'Nuff said.

Chapter 230 Holiday Party 11-22-08

Yep, it was the same day as the ASMI training I had in Irvine, so I had to dress one way for the training (with a MC helmet coming off/going on/coming off/going on, but that's addressed in the ASMI blog) and then bring clothes for the party. I'm lucky I didn't have to bring my bike to the training-almost everybody ELSE did (except the trainers). It was a pain in the butt, trying to change, but I DID it!

Bub arrived around 4:30, I got there around 4:45 and changed in the restaurant's restroom. Went around as usual taking pictures because I HATE to stand around yakking about motorcycles when I'm actually trying to figure out what's in the goodie bags! Tom can't decide whether to be an elf or an Angel fan. I DO know that the Angel "A" on his cap in NO WAY is indicative of him. Trust me on that.

Some folks came in shirts and slacks, some with ties, doggone Barbano below came in a jacket and tie. Like, DUDE, it's a party not a job interview! But he still looked nice.

Gail to the left-Ken, Richard, Gail & Don below; John R, Marsha and Dan right below.

Here's a little thingy I whipped out in 10 minutes-you can tell.

The ladies were glittery, the guys were jittery, (not being used to a non-vest dress code),

Cocktails were flowing, mouths were a-going, on how the year went as a whole.

The year's pictures were posted, our Chapter 230 was toasted, the whole room was holiday aglow,

We sat down to eat, each platter was a treat, with saurkraut and meats just so.

Then Dan got up, after we'd supped, and recognized those who were crew,

They stood to a man when called, with pride in all and their manly chests grew.

Dan was touched by his present, he thought it most pleasant

and thanked us one and all.

The gift exchange started off, three times ended the hand-off,

And it all ended too early. (ok, so I didn't rhyme 'all'-so sue me)

To the below right, Rick thought he got a REALLY nifty shirt...until Ed's ticket was called. Goodbye, shirt, hello Hickory Farms pack.

Below, the very first unwrapped gift-a Harley engine! (but the eagle on it was pretty darn cool). BTW, Barry was the first number called. Below that, Ken Indorf doing his "Captain Morgan" imitation.

Ken, Carol and Jenny: Barry and I with Tomy Two Tone's fingers intruding into what would otherwise be a nice picture;





The goodie table; Our fearless leader of FOS, Mr. and Mrs. Stan Partin:

Above, hey Joe finally made it! Below, a really neat cake-tasted pretty good, too!They're talking about something motorcycles, you can BET on that. (both pics)

Why do Glen and Jerry look so GLAD to be here? and finally, 'way below, a video of the whole group.

A little something I cooked up last year when Laine drove 10 hrs straight from Utah on his Honda CBR 600RR

ASMI Class 11-22-08 in Irvine CA. (working)

Amazing class. Absolutely amazing.
The confidence level I have NOW for any kind of motor vehicle crash (not just motorcycle but any MVC) is high and I feel that I can definitely HELP someone who is hurt, not just wonder if what I did was right or not.

And how can you NOT like a class that has a Resusi-Annie like this?

(more to come)

Is it a Heart Attack or a Motorcycle Crash? by Vickie Sanfelipo, RN/EMT

I took this training on Saturday, November 22 due to Marge Cunningham's email, and I am reprinting this article, courtesy of Vick Sanfelipo, Director of Accident Scene Management, Inc. Please read it and find out more about this wonderful training. Motorcycle first aid and scene management are one of the reasons I'm taking the EMT-B course as well.
Lynne

Is it a Heart Attack or a Motorcycle Crash? Vicki Sanfelipo, RN/EMT - Director Accident Scene Management, Inc.

I am very concerned about motorcyclists. I've been riding for well over 20 years and used to be able to enjoy the ride without knowing how vulnerable I was. I am not talking about protective gear or the fact that we are not surrounded by metal. I'm talking about what happens in the event we go down. Bikers are at much higher risk of dying in the event of a crash. I believe that something can be done to improve our outcome and it isn't solved by mandatory helmets.

According to NHTSA, 2007 Recent Trends in Motorcycle Crashes: In 2005, motorcycles made up 2.5 percent of all registered vehicles in the United States and accounted for only 0.4 percent of all vehicle miles traveled (VMT). However, in the same year, motorcyclists accounted for 10.5 percent of total traffic fatalities. Per 100,000 registered vehicles, the fatality rate for motorcyclists (73.12) in 2005 was 5.4 times the fatality rate for passenger car occupants (13.64). Per vehicle mile traveled in 2005, motorcyclists (42.27) were about 37 times as likely as passenger car occupants (1.14) to die in motor vehicle traffic crashes.

While NHTSA statistics are often questioned, without other stats to point to, their statistics shows an alarming trend. Even if they are off this is STILL alarming! We (motorcyclists) must not accept the fact that 10.5 % of motor vehicle fatalities are motorcycle related. I have been tracking these statistics for 12 years and they have not significantly changed. While we (bikers) have put all of our eggs into one basket by concentrating on avoiding the crash in the first place, treatment when the crash occurs has largely been ignored. It hasn't only been ignored by motorcyclists, it's been ignored by the Emergency Medical System (EMS) as well! While avoiding the crash in the first place is extremely important, all of our efforts have not significantly changed the number of motorcycle related crashes. (NHTSA - 93Motorcycles).

I recently toured a 911 dispatch center. I asked what advice they would give for a motorcyclist who was not breathing and had a full faced helmet on. They said they would recommend that the caller pump on the chest, up to 300 times per minute. I asked a group of 50 motorcyclists how they would treat a motorcyclist who wasn't breathing and was unconscious. They said THEY would open the airway (head tilt/chin lift) and do chest compressions. I polled EMTs. 75% were not comfortable with the jaw thrust method of opening a person's airway while keeping the neck straight and 60% had not learned helmet removal as part of their training.

So much needs to be done in the area of Motorcycle Trauma Treatment, I am dumbfounded that we have actually survived! While motorcycle rider training and share the road programs should continue in order to prevent the crash in the first place, proper care and treatment after the fact must be addressed in order to reduce the 10.5% of serious injuries and fatalities motorcyclists suffer. The most likely person to be at the scene of a motorcycle crash is another motorcyclist. Treatment can start right away if we are trained in proper care. In the event that another trained motorcyclist is not there, we want to know that advice given by the 911 dispatcher is correct. When professionals arrive we want to rest assured that they can provide proper care as well.

The American Heart Association recently came out with the recommendation that Chest Compressions only with minimal interruptions has increased survival rates in victims of witnessed cardiac arrest. This has sparked much media attention. For years, CPR was thought to be the cure all for anyone who collapsed for any reason and was not thought to be breathing. There was no clear distinction between trauma and heart attack/cardiac arrest other than an occasional mention of using jaw thrust for someone who might have a neck injury. In the past few years, the American Heart Association has obviously moved away from trauma and is concentrating more on their actual purpose (survival rates of cardiac arrest) vs. survival rates of Trauma. The problem with this is that the general public and even medical professionals have not made the separation.

Both Head Tilt Chin Lift and pumping on the chest are the wrong things to do in a trauma unless Jaw Thrust and Bleeding control measures have not been effective. A Motorcyclist who has crashed so significantly that they are no longer breathing should be highly suspected to be a person with High cervical spine neck injury. Jaw Thrust Rescue Breathing keeps the neck straight while lifting the tongue off the back of the throat which is the most likely reason that they are not breathing. Once breathing has been established, circulation should be considered. In trauma, the most likely reasons for loss of circulation is bleeding, not pump failure like in cardiac arrest. Imagine that you have someone who is bleeding and you now start pumping on the chest. You will just help them bleed out faster! S

o what can we do? It's time to take control of our own fate. Helmet removal training is not enough, CPR is not enough, even First Aid is not enough.

1.) Bystander Assistance Trauma training by motorcyclists is the BEST way to start proper care immediately. See www.accidentscene.org to find classes or get more information.
2.) We need to get the attention of the EMS and insist that they give proper advice as well as being certain that they are properly trained in motorcycle specific care from First Responder level to Paramedic. Write to your legislator asking them to contact the US DOT to request that they work with Accident Scene Management, Inc. (ASMI) to develop a module on motorcycle trauma as part of Basic EMT training (currently they only mention helmet removal but even that is not required).
3.) Get this word out. Reprint this article in your newsletters.
4.) Help get ASMI training in all states and available to all bikers. Encourage Motorcycle groups and organizations to make a donation to ASMI who is leading the way in this topic. ASMI is in 26 states but our goal is to be in every state some day. Because we are so motorcycle specific we are not eligible for most grants. We depend on motorcyclists to help us achieve our goals.

Questions? Contact ASMI. info@accidentscene.org or 877-411-8551

Celebrating the 1-year anniversary of my colonoscopy.

NOTES BEFORE THE COLONOSCOPY PROCEDURE.
This - indicates my notes on procedural/medical stuff, and THIS symbol * is my humorous take on the whole event. In this missive I will hopefully ‘crack’ some jokes, tell some ‘fanny stuff’, some of them towards the ‘rear’, and I ‘can’ rhyme a bit! (at least you can’t say that I didn’t give a shit!)

*WHO gets a colonoscopy on Halloween??? It TOTALLY screws up your partying if you have to do the low residue diet 3 days prior! I mean, all the parties are the weekend before, the day before or the day of! I’M STARVING and there's candy everywhere. This is no fair.
*Think about it-like Halloween ISN’T the worst time to do this, though. The ABSOLUTE, POSITIVELY WORST times would be 1. Thanksgiving and 2. New Year’s. The ‘low residue’ diet, the ‘day before’ preparation…the gastrodoc’s office could possibly offer a discount for going thru the procedure during that time, but kick it up after the holidays because AFTER those two holidays, it would be a different story-a nice medical way to get your health in check AND lose a little weight! (I lost 8 pounds from Saturday to Wednesday and one of the guys in the waiting room said he’d been on the lowres diet since that Friday and lost 13 pounds. Hey, worth a shot, ESPECIALLY after the holidays!)
*I did try to cut the cost down a little by asking my gastroenterologist if I could forego (no pun intended) the oral saline laxative by instead going to Knott’s Halloween Haunt and getting the shit scared outta me…he said no. Well, I tried, and that woulda made my admission to Knott’s a deductible medical expense. Can't blame me for trying.
*If I had one piece of advice to give someone before they have this done, it would be to go and purchase the lightest, fluffiest, most comfortable toilet paper possible. Or invest in a bidet.
*A colonoscopy is one of those things like marriage-nobody tells you what you’re in for until after you’ve committed to it, then you’re miserable.

-“The most common type is an invasive procedure that can be done in a surgical center or a hospital on an outpatient basis. Essentially, the patient will be sedated and the colon and small bowel will be examined by using a small camera that is attached to a thin tube. The thin tube is introduced into the body by way of the anus. The tube is fed into position as the camera allows the attending physicians to observe any abnormalities that may be forming along the way. “
*Hell, YES, it’s invasive!!! A camera going up your anus? To actually PAY somebody to shove something up your ass (and moving your head out of the way when they go in), and observing abnormalities? I think it’s pretty abnormal to even WANT to get this done! I personally think that maybe all this talk about having a colonoscopy at age 50 is because the Gastroenterologist’s Union have REALLY REALLY good Spin Doctors. So there.
**By the way, wouldn’t it be funny if there actually was a gastroenterologist named Jack Schitt??! “You don’t know Jack Schitt! Oh yeah, I do, he’s my gastroenterologist”

*I told a really smart, good girlfriend that she was “a floating turd of sanity in a cesspool of madness”. Sounded cutesy-poo (sorry, terrible pun) but she's no longer my girlfriend. Don't know why, it was actually a compliment, of sorts. Kinda.

-“Your doctor will want you to refrain from using aspirin for some period of time before the day of your colonoscopy. In most cases this will be in the range of three to five days. The idea is to help reduce the potential for bleeding in the event that polyps are found and need to be harvested for a biopsy.”
*HARVESTED??? I didn’t realize that my colon was a quasi-‘shit’ farm…harvested? I don’t remember planting anything up there.

-“…likely give you a list of low fiber foods before your colonoscopy. You will eat these foods during this time to ensure the colon is not hampered with the presence of any matter that may impact the colonoscopy itself; basically, if there is nothing in the colon at the time of the procedure.”
* Nothing in the colon at the time of the procedure? Looks like I'll have to remove the patio cover, or the washing machine. Or my head.

-“One other important point to remember when undertaking colonoscopy preparation. You will not be in any condition to drive after the procedure, so make sure a loved one goes with you and is there to get you back home.”
*It’d HAVE to be a loved one or family member, because considering what you’ve just gone thru and the amount of ‘aftereffects’ you have to the procedure, it’ll be someone who’s not too grossed out by you, so the best person would probably be the person with whom you’ve had sex…they’ve seen you naked. Or when you spent the whole night partying and starting barfing in their car. You know… the little things that make a relationship so special. I just had a thought-that would be a way I can get back at my daughter...make her pick me up and take me home. Then I'd tell her friends in detail what her mommy was doing before The Princess picked up her mommy.

*I typed in “Colonoscopy Prep” on Google and saw some weird, weird ‘links’, like for a “virtual colonoscopy”…WHAAA??? Is that like a “3-D” procedure? Why couldn’t I get that? And then next to it was a link for SAT preps-I guess the keyword was ‘prep’ like ‘colonoscopy prep’ and ‘SAT prep’, so SOMEBODY at Google has some interesting links for links…links for “Colon Cleansing”, “Amazing test-what’s your RealAge?”, and a picture on the side of a doctor-ish type guy with scrubs and a face mask on…well, if he was just where I think he was, considering the website, if he’d gone digital-diving into MY colon, he’d be wearing a lot more on his face and stuff -like turnouts or a hazmat suit.
*You know, if a lot of us, just after going thru the procedure, pointed our posteriors towards Russia, we could decimate that country. If Europe wasn’t in the way, that is. I don’t think the French would appreciate the Eiffel Tower blown over on its’ side. Or the English wouldn’t be too teddibly pleased about Big Ben blown over. What would we call it? Hurricane “Hell’s Candy”?

Here's a pic of how I feel the box SHOULD look, and please note that yes, that IS a nuclear symbol strategically placed, because that stuff IS nuclear.

-“Step 1: MIX AND TAKE THE FIRST PREPARATION, THEN FOLLOW WITH 3 GLASSES OF CLEAR LIQUID.
Dilute the first dose in 8 oz. of clear liquid. Do not add anything else, such as flavorings, to the solution. “
*Aw, DAMN, I was gonna add some Stoli or some Captain Morgan’s! I mean, it SAYS dissolve in a glass of clear liquid, and you can’t get any clearer than Stoli! (Note to doctors-hel-LO, BEER is see-thru!) Okay, so I drank the whole glass *Yuk* with apple juice at 5:05 PM. AND it says on the front of the box, “Sugar-Free” (like I’m gonna care, I just wanna shove that stuff down my gullet); “Ginger-Lemon Flavor” (are they kidding? It still tastes like crap, if I even pause to savor the flavor, and I have a question-does anybody taste-test this junk? Phew, THAT’S a job I’d pass on); “Latex-Free” (??? Like what does THAT mean? Before they had these things, people had to drink rubber gloves? Or old Aerobics instructors outfits?)
*I was following the yuk stuff with a big bottle of that ‘Glaceau SMARTWATER’ (I bought a case from Costco just for this purpose), but it didn’t work. I’m still stupid, doggone it.

At 5:20, I was in the bathroom…making a Number 2 Niagra…brown colored. Looked like a cleaned-up version of Lake Perris. I think the Log Lords are getting back at me for making all those ‘shit’ jokes in my life. You REALLY need to be close to a comfortable, well-lit bathroom with perhaps a reading rack, small refrigerator, TV/radio, etc. because during this time, when you THINK its gas…it AIN’T. “Oopsie, a poopsie!!”

-“Step 2: WAIT FOR A BOWEL MOVEMENT.”
*Gee, thanks, I’ll DO just that.
*You know what? That shit (Ok, Lord, I’LL STOP!) cleans you OUT! I saw stuff that I had ingested from my childhood…like a 1959 penny…a piece of pepperoni from a Me & Ed’s Pizza slice from the ‘60’s… some clay from 6th grade, don’t know why the mucilage didn’t stick…half a popsicle stick…no, wait, that I shoved up my nose, BUT it ended up in the same place, didn’t it?...
*My STOMACH was making noises like a NYC subway train…crashing into another NYC subway train. I think I now have the timing down: “What was that, stomach? What did you say? Get ready for the Expresstrain coming out of the suburbs?” ZOOM, and let me tell you, that “I gotta get there or else I shoulda worn Depends” walk is something you don’t want to do with dogs and laundry baskets lying en route. I stopped passing, um, ‘actual pieces’ 2 hours later and instead continually wiping myself raw, I’m just going to sit on a towel or two that can be washed later. Or trashed. It’s worth it to spare my poor, rubbed-raw rear. Thank God for a warm bath and Avon Skin-So-Soft.
-“Step 3: MIX AND TAKE THE SECOND PREPARATION, THEN FOLLOW WITH 3 GLASSES OF CLEAR LIQUID.”
*Yeah, and this time I THREW it down my throat…I was pretty pleased with myself, hardly gagged at all.
-“Step 4: WAIT FOR A BOWEL MOVEMENT”
*Or a watery version of same. I would personally edit #4 to read, “Step 4: WAIT FOR A BOWEL MOVEMENT, GRAB A PENCIL AND SOME PAPER, AND PLOT WAYS TO GET BACK AT MY GASTROENTEROLOGIST AND MAKE HIM PAY FOR ME HAVING TO GO THRU THIS”.
*Oh, this is a GREAT TIME to get a hot flash! So I’m sweating AND eliminating. The comfort level around here is getting’ pretty thin, thank you. I’ll probably have to sleep with about 4 old towels from the garage underneath me…and all my family has gone to a Halloween party…why don’t I just hook up a bag to my butt and go as a colonoscopy patient?
So, no more water or anything from 12 midnight on, and in the middle of the night I have NEVER so badly wanted some! PLUS it was cold last night, and I was shivering and couldn’t close the window because EVERY SINGLE DAMN MOVEMENT caused a ‘reaction’. Even when I would SHIVER, I had a “hello, luv, no, this is NOT a false alarm, ducks, you need to take care of this!”
*JOKE TIME-What’s a gastroenterologist’s dog’s name? POOPSIE
* MORE JOKE TIME-What’s a Redneck colonoscopy? Flashlight, salad tongs & a plumber’s ‘snake’
*AND STILL MORE JOKE TIME My gastroenterologist was looking at her phone and laughing at something, and I asked her, "What are you laughing at?" and she told me that it was an inside joke. (Get it? see, she goes up people's insides for a living, and...)

Here's an idea for some entrepreneur- Normal TP just doesn’t cut it on ‘Prep Day’ (the day before the procedure) so I think the bathroom tissue paper companies (Charmin, Scott, etc) could get some uber repeat business (pun intended) by dropping off samples of their softest, premium samples to gastroenterologists’ office, so that the doctor can offer a roll to a pre-colonoscopy patient with the admonition to ‘use this-it’ll help in the long run’. (I have to stop making this really terrible jokes, I do)

*Waiting at the doctor’s office wasn’t as bad or scary as letting my daughter drive my car-now THAT’S scary. That would’ve scared any residual material out.

All I could think about in the office was all the stuff I was gonna eat AFTER the procedure. Visions of filet mignons, double-vanilla bean ice cream with Honey Bunches of Oats over the top, and Coors Lights danced in my brain. Like a post-colonoscopy Christmas eve.

The BEST THING I did was pay the extra $$$ and get knocked out, trust me. When I came to, I almost sat up on the gurney, then I looked at the clock and said, “Damn!” I was really surprised-went in at about 1:10, went under about 1:15, and came to at 1:45. Not bad. Wish the lines at Costco were that quick.

After the procedure, the attending nurses make sure you ‘break wind’ before wheeling you to the recovery area. Hope to God they had their HAZMAT suits on, or at minimum a LOT of BSI and perhaps hooked themselves up to a NRB with 15 l/m high-flow O2. Stayed in the recovery area for about ½ hour, BP normal, pulse normal, the nurse took off the bells & whistles (O2 uptake monitor and BP/Pulse monitor). I sat up, changed, then text’d my daughter to come get me. She asked if I could meet her downstairs and I said, no, they need to see your face to prove I have a ride home. Daughter came up, we went out, and HIT DEL TACO! (I was starving, remember?) I will say that after this procedure is a BAD TIME to go grocery shopping, because you’re hungry, and when you’re hungry, you buy 200% more than you normally would have. So it’s a good thing we brought the truck. You know…the Peterbilt semi.

Below is the box that should be labeled appropriately for a child's colonoscopy: note that the picture is Tony the Tiger SQUATTING.

Somebody told me that these things are supposed to be done every few years. Remind me to schedule it, oh, probably around 2020. By then maybe they WILL have the virtual 'scopy. One may hope.

Another thought-if THIS was the procedure with a PPO, I wonder what the procedure is with an HMO??!!!

Roto-rooter and Tylenol?

The suppository form of Ipecac?

It's scary, coming up the 57 from class in Orange and seeing flames right by Brea High School, 2 miles from us.

NOTE: Info put into this blog on Saturday the 15th are in regular type; info put into the blog on Sunday the 16th are in a different font and italicized. The map above shows the Brea fire area in red, the evacuation area in blue (where my girlfriend Daniece lives! Brea Canyon below left was blocked off) and where we live with the arrow. I just KNEW it was going to jump the freeway! MUCH too close for my comfort. I hear that Brea Canyon High School and El Torito Grill were damaged in this fire. The map below is the Corona/Yorba Linda fire map with the Brea fire shown as well. You can tell where friends of ours live just by figuring out what freeway they live close to and then finding that freeway. This whole fire area has now been called the Triangle Fire and apparently was going up to Chino Hills and Chino. Sunday morning the 16th the 57 north was closed from Lambert to the 60. Brea Canyon and State College were also closed, so when I went to teach class, I had to go around to Imperial and get on the 57 south that way.

I heard about the Corona/Yorba Linda fire at school so I called Bub who was in Norco at NoPork getting a front tire and told him to stay as far away from the 91 as possible, and to either take the 15 to the 60 or take back roads such as Hamner to Limonite to Archibald to Merrill, etc. He took the back way, coming through Carbon Canyon and was one of the last vehicles to get through before they shut it down. When he was coming out of Carbon Canyon onto Lambert he drove thru thick black smoke but could still see flames. It's kind of frightening because you don't know where it'll go depending on the wind and we all remember how FAST the Rancho Cucamonga fire moved back in 2003. I didn't know anything about the Brea fire so when I was biking (motorcycling) my way home north on the 57 fwy from practical skills class for my EMT class I saw additional smoke. I was wondering why there was so much smoke from a Corona fire, then saw the smoke to the north of me, up the 57. Coming up to the 91 I thought, oh, no, they're having ANOTHER fire in Rancho Cucamonga? but after the 91, traffic slowed 'way down and I flames behind the Brea Olinda High School. Not since 1979 or the early 80's has Brea had a major fire so there was a lot of brush and overgrowth. Smoke was coming over the freeway by the time I got off the freeway at Lambert, so I zoomed home because back in the late 70's the fire DID jump the freeway and threaten homes in the hills at Brea Blvd and Central Avenue, and threatened additional homes on the other side of Brea Canyon where we live. Where the fire was today, Lambert and State College is about 2 miles from our house. Our house is in the hills on the edge of Brea and La Habra, above Central and Puente.

The reason I was really zooming home is because Jackie had my car, went out last night and stayed out and we didn't know when she'd be home. Turns out she was in the hills above our house and slightly east with a friend watching the fire. NICE job. I guess she doesn't realize that with one car that's NOT HOME, it's a little hard to carry clothes and stuff (PLUS TWO DOGS) with a couple of motorcycles. (Pictures above, to the right and below that she took)

Got home, tore into the house and started getting a few clothes together; all the medications; downloading scanned in pertinent insurance, personal and tax files onto my thumbdrive (I always keep them in one folder on the desktop, so all I have to do is 'send to' and that's it.) I've also sent that stuff to my work, because that way a) I have backup on my desktop at work, and b) I have it in my 'sent' file on my ISP. I've always scanned in any sort of 'official' stuff like our driver's licenses; insurance cards; the first two pages of all our passports; medical, dental, vision cards; proof cards such as aerobics, CPR, lists of phone numbers, credit card info in protected files, any investments and money stuff along with their urls, phone numbers, that sort of thing. Emergency preparedness officials state that people should have a 'red file' so marked in their computers for easy access to scanned in paperwork. I also have all of our pictures taken digitally in one folder on the desktop marked 'Photos' and also have backup on my external hard drive. If I had to and didn't have time, I could always grab the external HD and dump it into my purse or in the laptop bag but right now I'm using it at work for a project.

One thing I hadn't done before so did as soon as possible is make sure everybody knew where to meet if we were separated. The easist place that's central to us is the Starbucks by Bub and Jax's work, because if we had to stay somewhere, there's a place to stay that accept pets nearby. I DID check on that stuff.
Got the laptop with the aircard; all the 'mechanical' stuff like the chargers to the cell phones and the cameras; most of the things I really need for the bike; have a mental picture in my head of the dogfood and dog items we need i.e. food, water bowl, leashes, that sort of thing. Below left is a picture I took around 5:30 PM of the sun from our driveway on Nov. 15th. On the right below is a pic I took on Sunday the 16th from our driveway around 10 AM . The picture below left is going past apt. buildings on Brea Blvd, coming up to Brea Junior high which was on the left of the street. Due to the streets blocked off, I had to turn south onto Brea Blvd vs. going straight onto State College. I took the pic from my car 7:42 AM from my cell phone on the way to my Anaheim aerobics class. Still really smoky. Below is the 57 still shut down at Imperial going north to the 60 fwy.

I WILL note that everything in the house smells like smoke, like we had a big BBQ in the living room and wheeled it around the house for flavor. All the furniture smells like smoke, all my clothes smell like smoke, my car interior smells like smoke...