I have come to the conclusion that I am one of the worst riders in my riding group. I'm seriously thinking of selling my bike.

THE SHORT VERSION of this blog, redone 05-15-10:
1. I feel I'm not a good rider to be in back of. I feel other riders want me to move the f**k outta the way.
2. I want to be as good a rider as some of the expert riders I know. I want to be better than 'above average'. I know it takes practice, but it's a Catch-22; to practice, I have to go somewhere with others, but then, I'll be in front of SOMEBODY.
3. This isn't a bid for sympathy but a hard, digging look at the mental and physical aspect of my riding skills, or lack.
4. My bike is worth $4400 per Kelley Blue Book.
5. If I'm to get out of this mindset, I think I need an objective, empathetic (aka gentle, compassionate, caring) look at my riding and have somebody do a blow-by-blow / turn-by-turn analysis, good, bad, ugly, whatever.


This is so very hard to put into words, but it's been bugging me part of yesterday and all of today, and

It's been an epiphany to me of how I truly ride (or don't ride, in this case).

My issues are a little different...
Last year I was braking about 80% going into curves, which in my usual opinion is 'way too much, so much so that I totally bugged off anyone behind me and anyone behind me wanted to get AWAY from being behind me as soon as they possibly could. It happened. I can document at least 3-4 times that it happened. I have abso-freaking-lutely NO CLUE WHERE I got the idea that braking before EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TURN was a GOOD THING, but I THINK it was just for a certain period of time. I THINK.
Before that time last year I RARELY braked & just went into the curves, la-de-da-de-da, like I do currently. I wasn't the fastest, but I did ok. I think I did ok. I thought I did, I really thought I did.
Now that I reflect back about it, maybe others behind me were just too polite to say I wasn't ok before.
Not good.

I've currently gone back to my old riding style of very rarely braking into curves & actually felt pretty damn good taking the curves in April from Idyllwild to Beaumont/Banning, (even after tipping my bike over while standing still) and it actually felt pretty fun and challenging.
BUT
Last Saturday I was kinda mentally freaking, thinking that what if I go into a curve too fast and overshoot the curve into the next lane and who KNOWS who'll be in that next lane (which of course I DIDN'T-the worst I did do was FEEL LIKE 'what if ...?' maybe, oh, 3 times, max). Occasionally I'd bobble a tad (don't ask me what "bobble" means, it just sounds like what I feel like I do, ok, maybe 'wobble' would work but a 'bobble' isn't quite as severe or as bad as a 'wobble') while turning because I went into an early apex turn and cut the curve line too quickly so had to kinda 'bobble' and correct my line. It probably seems weird to others that I feel like a failure of a rider when I do that because I 'bobbled' MAYBE 5 times out of God only knows how many curves, but I don't see ANY OF THE OTHER RIDERS 'bobbling' EVER. NOT NEVER. NOT ONE.
Maybe the guys behind me are too polite to snicker and point at me and my bike to my face when they notice this stuff.
Not good.

I 'scraped' my floorboard on a curve which to me sounds horrible and reminds me of the sound that Barry made when he went down, but I was told that it's a good thing, that it means I'm stepping outside my curving comfort zone. When I mentioned it, Brian on the bike behind me said yeah, he heard it but I was holding the lean nicely & riding ok so he didn't think anything of it.
Maybe I wasn't riding ok and he was just too polite to say so.
Not good.

Maybe I'm dragging anyone behind me, group or individuals down, and anyone who rides behind me is just too polite to say so.
Not good.

At the skills day in March, Vinnie Greva told us to go out to a large parking lot, put out cones, and practice, practice, practice. I feel like his advice is sound, that I could go out to local curves and take them, take them, take them until I felt comfortable on all kinds of roads and curves. BUT

I See A Problem Or Two:
-If I fall, who's gonna help me pick up my bike?
-If I'm taking curves at my comfort level, am I gonna piss off another biker on a bigger bike who's behind me & wants to go faster? If I pull over a tad and wave him by, then I'LL feel like even more like a failure.

I know some people are gonna say, "F**k 'em! Ride at your comfort level!" but I don't want to feel like I'm always and constantly holding people back from riding at THEIR level and enjoying their ride. (NOTE: I'm only and primarily talking cruisers here, not crotch rockets.) They deserve a better ride than they're getting if I'm in front of them. It's a no-win situation. They feel held back, and I feel like I'm holding them back. I can tell-usually the other rider behind me is crawling up my ass or coming up close, falling back, coming up close. I want to ride like them, gracefully and speedily taking any and all curves handed them, racing away faster than I go when I let them go ahead of me and I see them race off into the distance, zooming it and taking those curves so expertly as to make it look like low-level flying and me wishing I had the guts and the strength of technique to keep up. And I hate it when anyone has to wait for me to catch up.
I ALSO hate it when I lose sight of any riders/people in front of me, and then they end up waiting for me to catch up.
Not good.

Maybe I should just ride pillon on a bike forever.
Maybe I should just forget riding, period.

I read the word, "Technical" on another group's ride coming up. That word conjured up all sorts of feelings, mostly self-deprecating now. I don't want to look like a total idiot, no, that's not the right word, that I don't want to look like a pathetic, pitiful and pitiable rider, especially one who's riding without her husband who went down on his bike last year, so they might be thinking "what if SHE'S gonna go down too?" even though I never have, never even come CLOSE to it? (except for dropping my bike umpteen times while standing still, that doesn't count)
I feel I'll be watched, with every little riding nuance noted and counted against me, NOT to mention feeling like an outsider among a 'clique' of riders. Any riding that I do that is done well and to spec won't count, of course, unless I REALLY pull a rabbit outta a hat and do some amazingly wonderful riding or come out of a situation astonishingly well OR save the group leader's life...
Which could mean it that might be a good thing to grudgingly have me go on a ride.
"Hey, I have lifesaving skills but no aptitude for riding! Will you still want me to go?"
At least if I go slower in the curves and am in the last group, I can help pick up the pieces of another rider, or be the point person with the EMT's while the group goes on...

Time was, that term/word 'technical' NEVER used to bug me at all. I had always thought of myself as a proficient 'technical' rider (or at least able to handle technical roads without any mishaps) until last year. Then it became clear that I wasn't competent, or not near as good as I thought I was. Whether or not it was from my erroneous braking habits or something else, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I was not good to ride with, which was very depressing to me to find out.

I flashback to seeing Barry eat it in my rear view mirror in 2008; flashback to 2009 to hear him eat it before coming around the corner last year, seeing him lying in the middle of the road, trying to get up & out from under his bike, and think people will associate those incidents with my riding capability. I know that it still haunts me, and I project myself into that situation.

Sooo, do I take my bike and this querying, self-disparaging attitude & go on that ride and see what I can or can't do, or do I just quietly hang up my kickstand.

The funny thing is, usually I'm the first one to not give a DAMN about what people think. I do my own thing and that's that.
But when I question my riding ability based on prior interactions that I've had with other, better riders (and to me, about 99 & 44/100'ths of the riders I come in contact with are better riders even with their varying degrees of proficiency) and then I negatively project what they might or might not be thinking, hey, it can't be ALL in my head...there must be SOME truth to what I'm thinking...

I wish maybe I could get a verbal 'bi**h slap' what I need to do to snap outta this mindset (not Barry, WHO listens to their spouse? They're always gonna tell you the positives because they're 100% behind you), otherwise, I'll be about $4K richer.

A couple of other riders tried to do that.
One said that he thought my riding skills were well above average and that I should get encouragement to Barry's riding skills and confidence even after two incidents.
Another said I had the capability to become an expert/excellent rider but this thing with Barry was getting to me, and to 'get over yourself'.

The first was too impersonal & the second was a tad too harsh, even though both were compliments.
I think I need an objective, empathic look at my riding and have somebody to a blow-by-blow of my riding. Good, bad, ugly, whatever.
Like we used to do in Toastmasters (yeah, the 'public speaking' club), when we gave evaluations, we did just that-talked about what the person did right, touched on specifics, then gave one or two points for improvement.