Close (VERY close) family member has either chronic kidney disease or kidney failure.

2009 is beginning to look a lot like Hell.
And YES, I mean 2009. We don't know about 2010, but I do know and have seen 2009.

The MONTH from hell so far

It's been 1 1/2 weeks since December 1st, the beginning of the month.
A very black day.





I'm sad. Very sad.
But also scared. It's not pride, it's fear. I never thought I'd be so afraid of the unknown, but I am.
Is it safer to not know, to continue with the status quo and hope for a miracle on the other side, or swallow one's pride and run the risk of finding out forever no more?
I don't know. I think I'm doing right to allow space & time, but how much time? How much space?
I feel like I just need a sign, some indication that I'm, well, that stuff happens to everyone and that everyone is human. We all fuck up our lives and sometimes others', but they don't stay screwed up because of us being human.
Do they?


This is just whirling around in my brain a lot these days.
I hurt.

'Watch The Kill Switch', good info provided by Gary Felkel

Most motorcycle problems are caused by the nut that connects the handlebars to the saddle. ...............
Learned from experience.
1. Do not use the kill switch to stop your bike.
2. Do not get distracted by police pulling over another biker with ape hangers or any thing else.
3. Do not then run into a resturant for a long lunch leaving your key in the bike and especially turned on.
Result!!
1.Dead battery
2. As a result of either trying to push start or jumping the main fusable link is blown and I did not have a spare.
3. Must get a tow truck , at the same time it is getting dark and rainy.
4. Tow truck obviously does not cater to bikes with only 2 straps both oily and old to tie down your bike on a oily, slippery truck bed.
5. Gettin home 3 hours later finally and after tow truck leaves finding a large oil puddle from the tow truck in your driveway.
6. Bike was fixed the next day with a $1.98 fuse. (bought a spare).
Lesson learned... Check key before you leave your bike!!!! Watch using that kill switch. Have all the spare fuses .
My thanks to Glenn, Charley, Carol, Brian that tried to get me going and stayed as long as they could. Sent them home before it started raining.

Thank you, Gary, for that marvelous description of what NOT to do. I'll DEFINITELY take it to heart and soul.

In IT we have an acronym...
PEBKAC*

Maybe we should have a modified acronym...
PEBIAS**

*Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair
**Problem Exists Between Ignition And Saddle

The week from HELL 12-07 to 12-11-09

This week sucks.
1. One of our managers/directors and a coworker of mine, known him for years, passed away suddenly Tuesday morning. This was Shock #1.
2. One of our workers at my work, a much-loved person whom I had seen every single day at work, passed away suddenly on Tuesday afternoon. Now this was Shock #2.
3. A VERY close family member went into the hospital on (I think) Tuesday morning with pneumonia. She's hooked up to IV's up the kazoo and can't really move because it'll set off alarms. Came on really suddenly, within a 24 hour period. So far, Shock #3.
4. My old boss and a good friend has been admitted to the hospital for testing and checking out some health issues. I'm starting not to like this stuff-Shock #4.
5. ANOTHER Manager in my Division (and a good friend to Barry and I) was admitted on Tuesday (what IS it with Tuesday?) to the hospital for heart issues and is hoping to get out today-he just felt weird palpitations so they admitted him and have been doing uber amounts of tests. He had had an TIA about 8 months ago or so, so this is scary. He kept it really quiet, I just accidentally found out. You know, for all this to go on 2 weeks before Christmas...Shock #5

I'm really glad I'm already 'out there', otherwise I'd fall into a heap of mush.

On December 8, 2009, I never thought I'd have to put on my thermals that I usually use for motorcycle riding.

Enough said.
BRRRRRR

Internat'l Motorcycle Show 12-5 & 12-6 2009 (the days I'm working it for the Women's Motorcycle Foundation)

I came, I volunteered, it was AWESOME. Sue Slate emailed me awhile ago asking for volunteers, and of course I said yes. Of COURSE. 'Quack'.
(more on that later, 'way 'WAY below)
I worked it Saturday from 5-8 PM and Sunday from 10 AM-1 PM. Bit of a schedule change but I'm flexible, especially for a great worthy cause! I DIDN'T, however, ride Lambie, because a) I might've bought some stuff that I couldn't take home (yeah, right, there isn't really ANYTHING I can't take home if I put my mind to it!) b) my chaps are too big, so if any guys who are bigger around the waist and maybe average height, lemme know, and c) I HATE cold, especially if it's under 54 degrees. IT WAS under 54 degrees when I'd come home on Saturday or go on Sunday, plus I came directly from class on Sunday morning and DIDN'T FEEL LIKE wearing my gear to aerobics at 8AM, changing into shorts, tennies & T-shirt, then showering and changing BACK into my riding gear. It was just easier to take an outfit and change into it.
To the above left is/are another volunteer/seminar presenter, "Trapper" and I. Trapper gave a GREAT seminar on 'What To Expect At The Basic Rider Course'. She's a RideCoach and trains riders.

I feel so weird because I REALLY don't have a special 'name' or moniker, except, hmmm, maybe I can use "Alpha B".
Maybe.

The first thing I did when I got there was go over to the Yamaha STAR area-I wanted to check out the new STAR models and saw Rick Sherrill standing there chatting with some guy in a mustache. Rick introduced me and this gentleman (whom I've heard of but had never met) and I had a really great LONG conversation! (See 'way below for the pic of he and I)
I saw this tricked-out Raider, below-it's the Ken Griffey, Jr. special Raider. Note the signed baseballs in the tank.

The WMF was at the Women's Center where all sorts of riding gear, helmets and seminars were available for women to check out, try on, see how different the gear is and how it's specifically made for our shapes. I've had a couple of instances where I had to buy men's XL JUST to get the damn thing around my hips, so it FLOATED on my torso, the sleeves came down to my fingertips, and so the elbow and shoulder pads were below my elbow and shoulder. Not good.
We weren't selling the clothing, we were giving information re: looking for the correct fit and gear, plus tips on helmets (did you know that when you wear your helmet, if you sweat, the grunge stays in there, so a microfiber headwrap is the way to go, PLUS it keeps your hairdo better than just the helmet! Oh, YEAH. That's what I'M talking about.
Seminars included "Space-the Final Frustration" (packing intelligently for a MC trip presented by 'Pink'): "Dual Sportbike Riding" (presented on the mainstage by Sue); "Riding the Twisties" (put on by Walt Fulton from Streetmasters, below left). His 'Twisties" seminar was pretty much about late apex turns in curves & was awesome. You can see my 'take' on late apex turns at http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=1987800715075266325&postID=4631942931320240340




The pic above right is Walt, Nancy Foote and I-they run Streetmasters. I've heard extremely great things about them and the program. http://www.streetmasters.info/

Some info about the Women’s Motorcyclist
Foundation, Inc.
WMF is not a club, it’s a 501(c)3 charitable, networking and educational organization. In
existence since 1984, WMF, Inc. began its work by hosting multi-day gatherings to share and enhance the riding, mechanical and touring skills of and with women motorcyclists.
In 1993, WMF, Inc began its efforts towards the eradication of breast cancer. Through the Women's Arctic Tour – Ride for Research, four national PONY EXPRESS TOURS involving women and men from around the country plus a program billed as ON TRACK FOR A CURE, well over two million dollars has been raised to fight breast cancer. To date, WMF, inc has raised over 2.2 million dollars to aid in the fight against breast cancer. Check our website to see how you can get involved. http://www.womensmotorcyclistfoundation.org/about_us.html

To the right, the CUTEST helmet! Reminds me of Marge Cunningham's mouse ears on her helmet (which, by the way, one fell off)




Above, a picture of a gentleman who is also a motor (short way of saying 'motor officer' with Baldwin Park PD and a member of STAR Chapter 109, & also somehow affiliated with STAR International, Vince Greva.

To the right, above, is a future motorcyclist/leather lover, following in her mother's bootsteps.
On Sunday I DID run into Wayne and Bill from Chapter 230, plus saw Marge and Colin Cunningham at the STAR area. Marge looks SO good. She invited me (again) to come ride with them, and since I love all those guys (Marge, Colin, Leonard who will be President, Connie, and Joyce, oh yeah, SORRY Tony B!), I think that Bub and I will check them out. I've ridden with them before, so I know their MO.

NOW, about the QUACK.
Sue and Trapper cornered me because I (I guess) I had shown promise as a budding volunteer (I took pics and videod some of their seminars), so Sue had me repeat after her:
"Quack"
"Quack, Quack".
I was now obliged to FOLLOW Momma Duck (Sue) into that realm known as Active Volunteerism, BECAUSE I didn't DUCK. Get it?!
Dang, got nailed again.

The end of a year and a decade-time for acknowledgment of things loved, for reflection, for regrets, for awareness, for thanks, for blessings bestowed

A hard year, a year I wouldn't want to do again ever, yet am glad I have been alive through it, experiencing all that I have experienced. A year of accomplishment (EMT certification, one of the top 5 people of my class of 70 that started), of unbelievable personal pain (and surprisingly, still happening in December, when will I f**kin' learn?), of finding new strength within myself for my family and others to lean on me, but still realizing that I still need strength; a strong, deeply felt year. I have become more Alpha and less Bitchy, I feel. I still have ups and downs, ins and outs, still look at myself and wonder who it is I really see in the mirror-is it a facade of a face, a mirror image of a person, the outside, without considering what depth is inside? Or is what you see, what you get? I like to think the last part. If you can accept how I am, good and bad, then that's wonderful, we all benefit. I benefit from you and you benefit from me, since I'm a giver.

I LOVE:
Barry, Laine and Jackie, more than they will ever know in this lifetime, I think of them constantly,feel their pain and rejoice in their happiness:
Friends and family worth their weight in gold who take you at face value, forgive your faults and praise your virtues, with whose relationships with me become stronger :
God and our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I LIKE A LOT;
Milk and chocolate fudge cookies:
Chocolate covered nuts...well, chocolate covered ANYTHING:
Pizza and beer
Pasta
Fresh crusty french bread with fresh butter, or mild cheddar cheese
Fudge (I should probably put that into the chocolate area, but it deserves a special place here)

I HATE
Stupid, insensitive, brainless people being unkind, tactless, hurtful and mean.
Even when they don't mean to be.
Especially when they're me.

It's really really rare that I'm like that, because when something happens and I become aware of my own stupidity, it's twice as painful to me, almost unbearable and very humiliating because I deeply feel not only the others' pain but my own pain because of their pain (does that make sense). I would rather just take it all than have someone else go thru any modicum of pain or hurt. so when something does happen, it usually is a biggie, because I don't do ANYTHING in a small or inconsequential way. I'm so lucky. <sarcasm>

I gotta go buy some stock shares in Kleenex. And more eye makeup-the stuff I'm wearing keeps washing off.

AN ESSAY:

Wouldn’t it be nice if life were more like vcrs and we could all pause, fastforward, and rewind when necessary? That'd be great, except life isn't that way. We're stuck with the movie we recorded and can't go back or forward. When we record, it's ON there, no going back unless you toss the entire recording. I don't want to toss it. That recording is too precious to me, even with all the cracks and pops and bad picture, even if it's only a short while, it's precious and I want to keep the memory alive.

I feel guilt, anxiety, shame, and sadness because of my actions hurting someone; I'm distressed over it, I'm disappointed with myself over this and fearful that this will result in the loss of a friendship, a friendship that matters greatly to me.

I admit that I failed to live up to values like sensitivity, thoughtfulness, faithfulness, fairness, and honesty.

It's uphill trying to deal with the shame and fear because I'm an emotional person and I beat myself up a lot when I screw up. I feel that loneliness or no communication is indicative of a broken hurtful relationship.

I'm questioning who I am, what I am, why I'm here. When you hurt someone else, you wonder why you're on this earth, because you feel like 'what kind of a person would cause hurt'?

What I'm trying to create for myself is hope in healing, healing with God's help. It's really hard, especially when I cause myself slide down occasionally into despair, and I'm not used to despair. Yes, I know, we are our own causality (I just made that word up, I think), that we are in charge of how we feel, how we act, how we are, but sometimes I can't see the future for the Kleenex. Then I pray. It does help. Problem is, to get forward, to move forward, I'd have to pray 24/7 to knock myself out of this. I don't really have the time to pray 24/7, the 57 freeway is one reason. Although there are a LOT of times I pray that I get home without an accident...

I try to say to myself that I do matter, that I’m worthy of God's love, and I can find a way for another chance to be better, to be more loving, to really care. I’m trying to remember that I am a loveable person. I’m making a difference. I can be good enough. I'm really trying. The problem is that I'm not asking anyone else, anyone outside for self validation, I'm trying to find it within myself, and it's not coming, because I can't right now, I'm stuck in a loop or a rut. I'm so very good at showing people how they can dig themselves out, how there's light when they least expect it, but I always talk myself out of my own psychobabble and hunker down and wallow. I'm not ready to look the world in the eye and smile genuinely. I'm faking it and showing an outside smiling person, covering up an inside crying person. "And the Oscar goes to..."

Thank God for glasses, and the cold and flu season. What people see as the flu or outward symptoms of an illness, really ARE symptoms of something internally going on, but they have no idea what the malady really is, so they assume it's the flu, a cold, nasal congestion, or a reaction to the exhaust from lack of baffles. Or blown eardrums.

I’m really going to try to remember this as I go forward, really try – and remind myself of these truths: I am going to make mistakes. I am going to accidentally hurt other people. I can pay attention to how I feel, to help me pay attention to the feelings of others. I can seek to repair damage. I can learn from my mistakes. I can seek for another chance. Another chance to love this world whole again, day by day. Another chance.

One more thing-even with a strong friendship or relationship, I'm not strong enough to make the first step (outside of an apology) to breach any chasm or rift. I'm not strong enough, I don't know why, (ok, maybe I'm just chicken and really afraid and I think that's really close to the truth, here), maybe holding onto an unknown possibility of healing and forgiveness and continuation of friendship rather than the actuality of rejection due the person being so deeply hurt their self-worth was badly injured, that they can't, can't, I don't know, be the same anymore with me.

In cutting someone and injuring them, I have injured myself as well.

I just pray and hope that the rip can be mended, and the mend create a stronger bond. I pray and hope that time will help heal that person and in time we will re-bond and our friendship bloom again. I really don't want to lose this person, he is too much of a wonderful, compassionate, strong man, one of the sanest men I know, a friend to all and a Renaissance man who can do ANYTHING.

He's kind of like Barry. Close to him, but there is never and will never be another Barry. It's an ultimate compliment to him that I compare him person to Barry.