The end of a year and a decade-time for acknowledgment of things loved, for reflection, for regrets, for awareness, for thanks, for blessings bestowed

A hard year, a year I wouldn't want to do again ever, yet am glad I have been alive through it, experiencing all that I have experienced. A year of accomplishment (EMT certification, one of the top 5 people of my class of 70 that started), of unbelievable personal pain (and surprisingly, still happening in December, when will I f**kin' learn?), of finding new strength within myself for my family and others to lean on me, but still realizing that I still need strength; a strong, deeply felt year. I have become more Alpha and less Bitchy, I feel. I still have ups and downs, ins and outs, still look at myself and wonder who it is I really see in the mirror-is it a facade of a face, a mirror image of a person, the outside, without considering what depth is inside? Or is what you see, what you get? I like to think the last part. If you can accept how I am, good and bad, then that's wonderful, we all benefit. I benefit from you and you benefit from me, since I'm a giver.

I LOVE:
Barry, Laine and Jackie, more than they will ever know in this lifetime, I think of them constantly,feel their pain and rejoice in their happiness:
Friends and family worth their weight in gold who take you at face value, forgive your faults and praise your virtues, with whose relationships with me become stronger :
God and our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I LIKE A LOT;
Milk and chocolate fudge cookies:
Chocolate covered nuts...well, chocolate covered ANYTHING:
Pizza and beer
Pasta
Fresh crusty french bread with fresh butter, or mild cheddar cheese
Fudge (I should probably put that into the chocolate area, but it deserves a special place here)

I HATE
Stupid, insensitive, brainless people being unkind, tactless, hurtful and mean.
Even when they don't mean to be.
Especially when they're me.

It's really really rare that I'm like that, because when something happens and I become aware of my own stupidity, it's twice as painful to me, almost unbearable and very humiliating because I deeply feel not only the others' pain but my own pain because of their pain (does that make sense). I would rather just take it all than have someone else go thru any modicum of pain or hurt. so when something does happen, it usually is a biggie, because I don't do ANYTHING in a small or inconsequential way. I'm so lucky. <sarcasm>

I gotta go buy some stock shares in Kleenex. And more eye makeup-the stuff I'm wearing keeps washing off.

AN ESSAY:

Wouldn’t it be nice if life were more like vcrs and we could all pause, fastforward, and rewind when necessary? That'd be great, except life isn't that way. We're stuck with the movie we recorded and can't go back or forward. When we record, it's ON there, no going back unless you toss the entire recording. I don't want to toss it. That recording is too precious to me, even with all the cracks and pops and bad picture, even if it's only a short while, it's precious and I want to keep the memory alive.

I feel guilt, anxiety, shame, and sadness because of my actions hurting someone; I'm distressed over it, I'm disappointed with myself over this and fearful that this will result in the loss of a friendship, a friendship that matters greatly to me.

I admit that I failed to live up to values like sensitivity, thoughtfulness, faithfulness, fairness, and honesty.

It's uphill trying to deal with the shame and fear because I'm an emotional person and I beat myself up a lot when I screw up. I feel that loneliness or no communication is indicative of a broken hurtful relationship.

I'm questioning who I am, what I am, why I'm here. When you hurt someone else, you wonder why you're on this earth, because you feel like 'what kind of a person would cause hurt'?

What I'm trying to create for myself is hope in healing, healing with God's help. It's really hard, especially when I cause myself slide down occasionally into despair, and I'm not used to despair. Yes, I know, we are our own causality (I just made that word up, I think), that we are in charge of how we feel, how we act, how we are, but sometimes I can't see the future for the Kleenex. Then I pray. It does help. Problem is, to get forward, to move forward, I'd have to pray 24/7 to knock myself out of this. I don't really have the time to pray 24/7, the 57 freeway is one reason. Although there are a LOT of times I pray that I get home without an accident...

I try to say to myself that I do matter, that I’m worthy of God's love, and I can find a way for another chance to be better, to be more loving, to really care. I’m trying to remember that I am a loveable person. I’m making a difference. I can be good enough. I'm really trying. The problem is that I'm not asking anyone else, anyone outside for self validation, I'm trying to find it within myself, and it's not coming, because I can't right now, I'm stuck in a loop or a rut. I'm so very good at showing people how they can dig themselves out, how there's light when they least expect it, but I always talk myself out of my own psychobabble and hunker down and wallow. I'm not ready to look the world in the eye and smile genuinely. I'm faking it and showing an outside smiling person, covering up an inside crying person. "And the Oscar goes to..."

Thank God for glasses, and the cold and flu season. What people see as the flu or outward symptoms of an illness, really ARE symptoms of something internally going on, but they have no idea what the malady really is, so they assume it's the flu, a cold, nasal congestion, or a reaction to the exhaust from lack of baffles. Or blown eardrums.

I’m really going to try to remember this as I go forward, really try – and remind myself of these truths: I am going to make mistakes. I am going to accidentally hurt other people. I can pay attention to how I feel, to help me pay attention to the feelings of others. I can seek to repair damage. I can learn from my mistakes. I can seek for another chance. Another chance to love this world whole again, day by day. Another chance.

One more thing-even with a strong friendship or relationship, I'm not strong enough to make the first step (outside of an apology) to breach any chasm or rift. I'm not strong enough, I don't know why, (ok, maybe I'm just chicken and really afraid and I think that's really close to the truth, here), maybe holding onto an unknown possibility of healing and forgiveness and continuation of friendship rather than the actuality of rejection due the person being so deeply hurt their self-worth was badly injured, that they can't, can't, I don't know, be the same anymore with me.

In cutting someone and injuring them, I have injured myself as well.

I just pray and hope that the rip can be mended, and the mend create a stronger bond. I pray and hope that time will help heal that person and in time we will re-bond and our friendship bloom again. I really don't want to lose this person, he is too much of a wonderful, compassionate, strong man, one of the sanest men I know, a friend to all and a Renaissance man who can do ANYTHING.

He's kind of like Barry. Close to him, but there is never and will never be another Barry. It's an ultimate compliment to him that I compare him person to Barry.