This - indicates my notes on procedural/medical stuff, and THIS symbol * is my humorous take on the whole event. In this missive I will hopefully ‘crack’ some jokes, tell some ‘fanny stuff’, some of them towards the ‘rear’, and I ‘can’ rhyme a bit! (at least you can’t say that I didn’t give a shit!)
*WHO gets a colonoscopy on Halloween??? It TOTALLY screws up your partying if you have to do the low residue diet 3 days prior! I mean, all the parties are the weekend before, the day before or the day of! I’M STARVING and there's candy everywhere. This is no fair.
*Think about it-like Halloween ISN’T the worst time to do this, though. The ABSOLUTE, POSITIVELY WORST times would be 1. Thanksgiving and 2. New Year’s. The ‘low residue’ diet, the ‘day before’ preparation…the gastrodoc’s office could possibly offer a discount for going thru the procedure during that time, but kick it up after the holidays because AFTER those two holidays, it would be a different story-a nice medical way to get your health in check AND lose a little weight! (I lost 8 pounds from Saturday to Wednesday and one of the guys in the waiting room said he’d been on the lowres diet since that Friday and lost 13 pounds. Hey, worth a shot, ESPECIALLY after the holidays!)
*I did try to cut the cost down a little by asking my gastroenterologist if I could forego (no pun intended) the oral saline laxative by instead going to Knott’s Halloween Haunt and getting the shit scared outta me…he said no. Well, I tried, and that woulda made my admission to Knott’s a deductible medical expense. Can't blame me for trying.
*If I had one piece of advice to give someone before they have this done, it would be to go and purchase the lightest, fluffiest, most comfortable toilet paper possible. Or invest in a bidet.
*A colonoscopy is one of those things like marriage-nobody tells you what you’re in for until after you’ve committed to it, then you’re miserable.
-“The most common type is an invasive procedure that can be done in a surgical center or a hospital on an outpatient basis. Essentially, the patient will be sedated and the colon and small bowel will be examined by using a small camera that is attached to a thin tube. The thin tube is introduced into the body by way of the anus. The tube is fed into position as the camera allows the attending physicians to observe any abnormalities that may be forming along the way. “
*Hell, YES, it’s invasive!!! A camera going up your anus? To actually PAY somebody to shove something up your ass (and moving your head out of the way when they go in), and observing abnormalities? I think it’s pretty abnormal to even WANT to get this done! I personally think that maybe all this talk about having a colonoscopy at age 50 is because the Gastroenterologist’s Union have REALLY REALLY good Spin Doctors. So there.
**By the way, wouldn’t it be funny if there actually was a gastroenterologist named Jack Schitt??! “You don’t know Jack Schitt! Oh yeah, I do, he’s my gastroenterologist”
*I told a really smart, good girlfriend that she was “a floating turd of sanity in a cesspool of madness”. Sounded cutesy-poo (sorry, terrible pun) but she's no longer my girlfriend. Don't know why, it was actually a compliment, of sorts. Kinda.
-“Your doctor will want you to refrain from using aspirin for some period of time before the day of your colonoscopy. In most cases this will be in the range of three to five days. The idea is to help reduce the potential for bleeding in the event that polyps are found and need to be harvested for a biopsy.”
*HARVESTED??? I didn’t realize that my colon was a quasi-‘shit’ farm…harvested? I don’t remember planting anything up there.
-“…likely give you a list of low fiber foods before your colonoscopy. You will eat these foods during this time to ensure the colon is not hampered with the presence of any matter that may impact the colonoscopy itself; basically, if there is nothing in the colon at the time of the procedure.”
* Nothing in the colon at the time of the procedure? Looks like I'll have to remove the patio cover, or the washing machine. Or my head.
-“One other important point to remember when undertaking colonoscopy preparation. You will not be in any condition to drive after the procedure, so make sure a loved one goes with you and is there to get you back home.”
*It’d HAVE to be a loved one or family member, because considering what you’ve just gone thru and the amount of ‘aftereffects’ you have to the procedure, it’ll be someone who’s not too grossed out by you, so the best person would probably be the person with whom you’ve had sex…they’ve seen you naked. Or when you spent the whole night partying and starting barfing in their car. You know… the little things that make a relationship so special. I just had a thought-that would be a way I can get back at my daughter...make her pick me up and take me home. Then I'd tell her friends in detail what her mommy was doing before The Princess picked up her mommy.
*I typed in “Colonoscopy Prep” on Google and saw some weird, weird ‘links’, like for a “virtual colonoscopy”…WHAAA??? Is that like a “3-D” procedure? Why couldn’t I get that? And then next to it was a link for SAT preps-I guess the keyword was ‘prep’ like ‘colonoscopy prep’ and ‘SAT prep’, so SOMEBODY at Google has some interesting links for links…links for “Colon Cleansing”, “Amazing test-what’s your RealAge?”, and a picture on the side of a doctor-ish type guy with scrubs and a face mask on…well, if he was just where I think he was, considering the website, if he’d gone digital-diving into MY colon, he’d be wearing a lot more on his face and stuff -like turnouts or a hazmat suit.
*You know, if a lot of us, just after going thru the procedure, pointed our posteriors towards Russia, we could decimate that country. If Europe wasn’t in the way, that is. I don’t think the French would appreciate the Eiffel Tower blown over on its’ side. Or the English wouldn’t be too teddibly pleased about Big Ben blown over. What would we call it? Hurricane “Hell’s Candy”?
Here's a pic of how I feel the box SHOULD look, and please note that yes, that IS a nuclear symbol strategically placed, because that stuff IS nuclear.
-“Step 1: MIX AND TAKE THE FIRST PREPARATION, THEN FOLLOW WITH 3 GLASSES OF CLEAR LIQUID.
Dilute the first dose in 8 oz. of clear liquid. Do not add anything else, such as flavorings, to the solution. “
*Aw, DAMN, I was gonna add some Stoli or some Captain Morgan’s! I mean, it SAYS dissolve in a glass of clear liquid, and you can’t get any clearer than Stoli! (Note to doctors-hel-LO, BEER is see-thru!) Okay, so I drank the whole glass *Yuk* with apple juice at 5:05 PM. AND it says on the front of the box, “Sugar-Free” (like I’m gonna care, I just wanna shove that stuff down my gullet); “Ginger-Lemon Flavor” (are they kidding? It still tastes like crap, if I even pause to savor the flavor, and I have a question-does anybody taste-test this junk? Phew, THAT’S a job I’d pass on); “Latex-Free” (??? Like what does THAT mean? Before they had these things, people had to drink rubber gloves? Or old Aerobics instructors outfits?)
*I was following the yuk stuff with a big bottle of that ‘Glaceau SMARTWATER’ (I bought a case from Costco just for this purpose), but it didn’t work. I’m still stupid, doggone it.
At 5:20, I was in the bathroom…making a Number 2 Niagra…brown colored. Looked like a cleaned-up version of Lake Perris. I think the Log Lords are getting back at me for making all those ‘shit’ jokes in my life. You REALLY need to be close to a comfortable, well-lit bathroom with perhaps a reading rack, small refrigerator, TV/radio, etc. because during this time, when you THINK its gas…it AIN’T. “Oopsie, a poopsie!!”
-“Step 2: WAIT FOR A BOWEL MOVEMENT.”
*Gee, thanks, I’ll DO just that.
*You know what? That shit (Ok, Lord, I’LL STOP!) cleans you OUT! I saw stuff that I had ingested from my childhood…like a 1959 penny…a piece of pepperoni from a Me & Ed’s Pizza slice from the ‘60’s… some clay from 6th grade, don’t know why the mucilage didn’t stick…half a popsicle stick…no, wait, that I shoved up my nose, BUT it ended up in the same place, didn’t it?...
*My STOMACH was making noises like a NYC subway train…crashing into another NYC subway train. I think I now have the timing down: “What was that, stomach? What did you say? Get ready for the Expresstrain coming out of the suburbs?” ZOOM, and let me tell you, that “I gotta get there or else I shoulda worn Depends” walk is something you don’t want to do with dogs and laundry baskets lying en route. I stopped passing, um, ‘actual pieces’ 2 hours later and instead continually wiping myself raw, I’m just going to sit on a towel or two that can be washed later. Or trashed. It’s worth it to spare my poor, rubbed-raw rear. Thank God for a warm bath and Avon Skin-So-Soft.
-“Step 3: MIX AND TAKE THE SECOND PREPARATION, THEN FOLLOW WITH 3 GLASSES OF CLEAR LIQUID.”
*Yeah, and this time I THREW it down my throat…I was pretty pleased with myself, hardly gagged at all.
-“Step 4: WAIT FOR A BOWEL MOVEMENT”
*Or a watery version of same. I would personally edit #4 to read, “Step 4: WAIT FOR A BOWEL MOVEMENT, GRAB A PENCIL AND SOME PAPER, AND PLOT WAYS TO GET BACK AT MY GASTROENTEROLOGIST AND MAKE HIM PAY FOR ME HAVING TO GO THRU THIS”.
*Oh, this is a GREAT TIME to get a hot flash! So I’m sweating AND eliminating. The comfort level around here is getting’ pretty thin, thank you. I’ll probably have to sleep with about 4 old towels from the garage underneath me…and all my family has gone to a Halloween party…why don’t I just hook up a bag to my butt and go as a colonoscopy patient?
So, no more water or anything from 12 midnight on, and in the middle of the night I have NEVER so badly wanted some! PLUS it was cold last night, and I was shivering and couldn’t close the window because EVERY SINGLE DAMN MOVEMENT caused a ‘reaction’. Even when I would SHIVER, I had a “hello, luv, no, this is NOT a false alarm, ducks, you need to take care of this!”
*JOKE TIME-What’s a gastroenterologist’s dog’s name? POOPSIE
* MORE JOKE TIME-What’s a Redneck colonoscopy? Flashlight, salad tongs & a plumber’s ‘snake’
*AND STILL MORE JOKE TIME My gastroenterologist was looking at her phone and laughing at something, and I asked her, "What are you laughing at?" and she told me that it was an inside joke. (Get it? see, she goes up people's insides for a living, and...)
Here's an idea for some entrepreneur- Normal TP just doesn’t cut it on ‘Prep Day’ (the day before the procedure) so I think the bathroom tissue paper companies (Charmin, Scott, etc) could get some uber repeat business (pun intended) by dropping off samples of their softest, premium samples to gastroenterologists’ office, so that the doctor can offer a roll to a pre-colonoscopy patient with the admonition to ‘use this-it’ll help in the long run’. (I have to stop making this really terrible jokes, I do)
*Waiting at the doctor’s office wasn’t as bad or scary as letting my daughter drive my car-now THAT’S scary. That would’ve scared any residual material out.
All I could think about in the office was all the stuff I was gonna eat AFTER the procedure. Visions of filet mignons, double-vanilla bean ice cream with Honey Bunches of Oats over the top, and Coors Lights danced in my brain. Like a post-colonoscopy Christmas eve.
The BEST THING I did was pay the extra $$$ and get knocked out, trust me. When I came to, I almost sat up on the gurney, then I looked at the clock and said, “Damn!” I was really surprised-went in at about 1:10, went under about 1:15, and came to at 1:45. Not bad. Wish the lines at Costco were that quick.
After the procedure, the attending nurses make sure you ‘break wind’ before wheeling you to the recovery area. Hope to God they had their HAZMAT suits on, or at minimum a LOT of BSI and perhaps hooked themselves up to a NRB with 15 l/m high-flow O2. Stayed in the recovery area for about ½ hour, BP normal, pulse normal, the nurse took off the bells & whistles (O2 uptake monitor and BP/Pulse monitor). I sat up, changed, then text’d my daughter to come get me. She asked if I could meet her downstairs and I said, no, they need to see your face to prove I have a ride home. Daughter came up, we went out, and HIT DEL TACO! (I was starving, remember?) I will say that after this procedure is a BAD TIME to go grocery shopping, because you’re hungry, and when you’re hungry, you buy 200% more than you normally would have. So it’s a good thing we brought the truck. You know…the Peterbilt semi.
Below is the box that should be labeled appropriately for a child's colonoscopy: note that the picture is Tony the Tiger SQUATTING.
Somebody told me that these things are supposed to be done every few years. Remind me to schedule it, oh, probably around 2020. By then maybe they WILL have the virtual 'scopy. One may hope.
Another thought-if THIS was the procedure with a PPO, I wonder what the procedure is with an HMO??!!!
Roto-rooter and Tylenol?
The suppository form of Ipecac?
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