The end of a year and a decade-time for acknowledgment of things loved, for reflection, for regrets, for awareness, for thanks, for blessings bestowed

A hard year, a year I wouldn't want to do again ever, yet am glad I have been alive through it, experiencing all that I have experienced. A year of accomplishment (EMT certification, one of the top 5 people of my class of 70 that started), of unbelievable personal pain (and surprisingly, still happening in December, when will I f**kin' learn?), of finding new strength within myself for my family and others to lean on me, but still realizing that I still need strength; a strong, deeply felt year. I have become more Alpha and less Bitchy, I feel. I still have ups and downs, ins and outs, still look at myself and wonder who it is I really see in the mirror-is it a facade of a face, a mirror image of a person, the outside, without considering what depth is inside? Or is what you see, what you get? I like to think the last part. If you can accept how I am, good and bad, then that's wonderful, we all benefit. I benefit from you and you benefit from me, since I'm a giver.

I LOVE:
Barry, Laine and Jackie, more than they will ever know in this lifetime, I think of them constantly,feel their pain and rejoice in their happiness:
Friends and family worth their weight in gold who take you at face value, forgive your faults and praise your virtues, with whose relationships with me become stronger :
God and our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I LIKE A LOT;
Milk and chocolate fudge cookies:
Chocolate covered nuts...well, chocolate covered ANYTHING:
Pizza and beer
Pasta
Fresh crusty french bread with fresh butter, or mild cheddar cheese
Fudge (I should probably put that into the chocolate area, but it deserves a special place here)

I HATE
Stupid, insensitive, brainless people being unkind, tactless, hurtful and mean.
Even when they don't mean to be.
Especially when they're me.

It's really really rare that I'm like that, because when something happens and I become aware of my own stupidity, it's twice as painful to me, almost unbearable and very humiliating because I deeply feel not only the others' pain but my own pain because of their pain (does that make sense). I would rather just take it all than have someone else go thru any modicum of pain or hurt. so when something does happen, it usually is a biggie, because I don't do ANYTHING in a small or inconsequential way. I'm so lucky. <sarcasm>

I gotta go buy some stock shares in Kleenex. And more eye makeup-the stuff I'm wearing keeps washing off.

AN ESSAY:

Wouldn’t it be nice if life were more like vcrs and we could all pause, fastforward, and rewind when necessary? That'd be great, except life isn't that way. We're stuck with the movie we recorded and can't go back or forward. When we record, it's ON there, no going back unless you toss the entire recording. I don't want to toss it. That recording is too precious to me, even with all the cracks and pops and bad picture, even if it's only a short while, it's precious and I want to keep the memory alive.

I feel guilt, anxiety, shame, and sadness because of my actions hurting someone; I'm distressed over it, I'm disappointed with myself over this and fearful that this will result in the loss of a friendship, a friendship that matters greatly to me.

I admit that I failed to live up to values like sensitivity, thoughtfulness, faithfulness, fairness, and honesty.

It's uphill trying to deal with the shame and fear because I'm an emotional person and I beat myself up a lot when I screw up. I feel that loneliness or no communication is indicative of a broken hurtful relationship.

I'm questioning who I am, what I am, why I'm here. When you hurt someone else, you wonder why you're on this earth, because you feel like 'what kind of a person would cause hurt'?

What I'm trying to create for myself is hope in healing, healing with God's help. It's really hard, especially when I cause myself slide down occasionally into despair, and I'm not used to despair. Yes, I know, we are our own causality (I just made that word up, I think), that we are in charge of how we feel, how we act, how we are, but sometimes I can't see the future for the Kleenex. Then I pray. It does help. Problem is, to get forward, to move forward, I'd have to pray 24/7 to knock myself out of this. I don't really have the time to pray 24/7, the 57 freeway is one reason. Although there are a LOT of times I pray that I get home without an accident...

I try to say to myself that I do matter, that I’m worthy of God's love, and I can find a way for another chance to be better, to be more loving, to really care. I’m trying to remember that I am a loveable person. I’m making a difference. I can be good enough. I'm really trying. The problem is that I'm not asking anyone else, anyone outside for self validation, I'm trying to find it within myself, and it's not coming, because I can't right now, I'm stuck in a loop or a rut. I'm so very good at showing people how they can dig themselves out, how there's light when they least expect it, but I always talk myself out of my own psychobabble and hunker down and wallow. I'm not ready to look the world in the eye and smile genuinely. I'm faking it and showing an outside smiling person, covering up an inside crying person. "And the Oscar goes to..."

Thank God for glasses, and the cold and flu season. What people see as the flu or outward symptoms of an illness, really ARE symptoms of something internally going on, but they have no idea what the malady really is, so they assume it's the flu, a cold, nasal congestion, or a reaction to the exhaust from lack of baffles. Or blown eardrums.

I’m really going to try to remember this as I go forward, really try – and remind myself of these truths: I am going to make mistakes. I am going to accidentally hurt other people. I can pay attention to how I feel, to help me pay attention to the feelings of others. I can seek to repair damage. I can learn from my mistakes. I can seek for another chance. Another chance to love this world whole again, day by day. Another chance.

One more thing-even with a strong friendship or relationship, I'm not strong enough to make the first step (outside of an apology) to breach any chasm or rift. I'm not strong enough, I don't know why, (ok, maybe I'm just chicken and really afraid and I think that's really close to the truth, here), maybe holding onto an unknown possibility of healing and forgiveness and continuation of friendship rather than the actuality of rejection due the person being so deeply hurt their self-worth was badly injured, that they can't, can't, I don't know, be the same anymore with me.

In cutting someone and injuring them, I have injured myself as well.

I just pray and hope that the rip can be mended, and the mend create a stronger bond. I pray and hope that time will help heal that person and in time we will re-bond and our friendship bloom again. I really don't want to lose this person, he is too much of a wonderful, compassionate, strong man, one of the sanest men I know, a friend to all and a Renaissance man who can do ANYTHING.

He's kind of like Barry. Close to him, but there is never and will never be another Barry. It's an ultimate compliment to him that I compare him person to Barry.

Dinner and a moving experience-TOMMY'S GONE. It moves me. How, I won't say.

The night before Tommy's move, three of us went to dinner and Johney called Tommy. Unfortunately, he showed up. We ride through the Canyon, through night, through cold and rain, and then to a friend's farewell packing up. Saturday night, a little ride to dinner and a surprise guest! We're at Roscoe's deli in Chino-it was ok. My burger was great but the chili was so-so. I've had canned that tasted better. I shoulda just taken some of Tommy's, like I take some of everybody's plate. The potato salad was WONDERFUL, though. Good food, good fellowship, good conversation on A PLETHORA of topics. (did I REALLY say 'to a friend's farewell packing up'?? I must be SLIPPING)
On sunday we got there we THOUGHT early enough to be dragging by the end of the day. Nope, about at least 1/2 of the work had already been done and we got there 1/2 hour ahead of the pizza, which was really wonderful timing on our part.

Bob Barbano was crew chief for this endeavor, without even saying a word. Born leader, wonderful man.

Had to get pics of that beautiful moving van with the bikes next to it. Whoever decided to start parking the bikes like that next to the semi was BRILLIANT.

So THAT'S how they wrap fake plants.

Tommy's thinking, "Hmm, what can I ask Beverage Girl to get me"? And his face after I brought him a warm bottle of water. Hey, he didn't ASK for a cold bottle!

I like looking at guys' butts. And a lot of times snickering to myself.

Hi, Gary!!! Don't EVEN think of taking his tool chest & putting it into your SUV!!!

Can you imagine someone trying to move with 30+ years' worth of stuff? (I refer to if Bub and I ever move).

Forget it, I'll set fire to the house first and save on packing and transporting.

Charlie, just WHERE were you thinking of putting that mop-type thingy?

Isn't that a beautiful semi?

I Ihad to take pics of what was LEFT after the pizza guy brought 20 pizzas-there are only 2 there on the table now.

It took 4 full coolers of drinks, plus more were in cases in the garage. Yes there was beer. No I didn't have any.

John R explaining the way that a ramp works. Gregg understands now. I still don't.

To the left, I was intending to take a pic of the roof of the semi, which seems to be made of that rice-paper type stuff. I inSTEAD got a pic of Glenn's face contorted in pain when he slammed his finger or hand in something. 'Way to go, chief.

It's ALMOST all done and that's probably the cleanest that garage has looked in decades.

I got artistic with the shot, left & below.

I ALSO didn't know that the insides of semis had 'walls' that you could put up between piles of moving shit.

To the right, another artistic shot.

The driver is buttoning up and the guys are being sidewalk superintendents. Oh yeah, Johney got there. After all the work was done, but not his fault, he had church, and at least he came to offer his farewell and moral support to Tommy.

I don't know why, but the dryer had to go into Tommy's truck instead of in the semi. Huh?

It's all in and closed. Job done.

I should probably try to 'photoshop' these pics and put in pics of Charlie and Rich Sherrill in there. Plus there was another FOS type person here, I forget, sorry.

Tommy, I'm gonna miss you. There, I SAID it.

No, really, I will. I really, really will.

Lynne (BG)

A pretty damn good Thanksgiving and a surprise Hanukkah gift for Barry.

Check out his profile in the mirror!



The deal of the decade. It was the deal of the decade.
The only question is, will I let Barry ride it somewhat?

A bike for Barry, the three of us Christmas shopping at Knott's, then turkey afterwards.
Yeah, this Thanksgiving will remain in my memory for a loonnnngggg time...

He's off and running, back in the saddle after EXACTLY 10 weeks.

ONE THING-here's his next set of 'wheels'...



Just kidding, he went on my bike, 'tis true, but he WENT.
On his way to Oceanside for breakfast with some of the guys.
I prayed for his safety and that he'd come back ready to tackle another bike.
I miss riding.
My stomach started to get a little upset-kinda in a knot Saturday morning.
I used my nervous energy to KILL my class on Saturday, just SWEAT CITY, almost fogged up the mirrors from the amount of sweat generated. EXAMPLES:
"Up on the step, jumping jacks"; lunges; 1/2 hop pivot 'helicopters'; Rocking horse knee lift L-steps off each end; & slow killer squats, all to some kicking music by Eurythmics, Billy Joel, Belinda Carlisle, Spice Girls, Lionel Ritchie, and Brian Setzer. Oh, YEAH.

Then I went to Cycle Gear (behind Bally's Fullerton, VERY handy) and tried on some 'way smaller jackets and chaps. NICE. Very NICE.



More nervous energy at Sam's Club, went a little overboard, but it was mostly food. MOSTLY.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It went great, he liked the liveliness of my bike BUT said it was too light and the clutch was too weird, PLUS it didn't have highway pegs. My answers to those comments are: Good; tough shit, the lightness of it MAKES it lively; I've gotten used to the clutch; and I don't need pegs because I sit up straighter than a motorcop.

So we be looking for another bike now.

Oh, yeah...he looked pretty DAMN good on my bike, after all.

Knott's on Veteran's Day November 11th, 2009-a really nice day out!

The real reason I went to Knott's, besides shopping and a few rides...I hadn't been able to get this doggone thing OUT of my mind for weeks!!!

The bad stuff first:
Regular parking is $12; good parking (under Ghostrider) is now $20.
A funnel cake with powdered sugar only is $7.75. A BOTTLE OF WATER IS $4.

Now the great stuff:
Bub and I went, got there & I had stuff I planned on doing come hell or high water (Ghostrider, Jaguar, funnel cake, Bigfoot rapids, and shopping) so we got there around 10:20 AM, went on Ghostrider then to the Wild West Stunt Show (VERY cute, I recommend it!) and I got a call from JH saying he was there. We met up, went on Jaguar then went on Montezooma's Revenge. Johney got a call from Stan so we met up with Stan and Connie Partin by the LogRide, then Stan got a call from Chuck who met us also over there, and so on, and so on...
We walked around then Chuck, Stan and I went on Bigfoot Rapids. Guess who got the most soaked... This was a GREAT pic by Barry, by the way, because you can SEE the water droplets!

Group photo above, with Stan, Chuck and Lynne all wet.

Chuck mentioned that Applebee's was having the Vet's promo, Johney called and found out there was only a 30 minute wait time at the La Habra location, so we left Knott's and tooled on over there. A guy was inteviewing Vets outside of Applebees and doing a live audio feed to a website and interviewed Barry then Johney.
THESE guys pass up a free meal? Not bloody likely!
A pretty damn good day, after all.

Shades and Shadowy Memories of Halloweens Past...

Now that I have your attention...
Boy, Halloween doesn't seem like the same 'ol rollicking, nutso holiday
like before.
There are a few more costumes, Halloween and otherwise, that I've worn...see 'way 'way below.

I remember...
-The Halloween weather was ALWAYS autumn-perfect. You'd see leaves in colors that you'd only see in a 64-Crayola crayon pack. There'd be only a slight breeze, making the leaves dance in a 'spooky waltz' around us. I can't EVEN remember it raining on a Halloween.
-In school we'd have 'art'; pumpkins, bats, witches, anything Halloween-ish, any holiday art that didn't involve any creative thought on our part nor the teacher's. Each season had pre-thought of, pre-cut artwork-Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, St. Paddy's Day, Valentine's Day. Did some coloring, brought it home, it'd be on the refridgerator for a week or so until the Thanksgiving stuff came home. Hey, art was better than social studies by an EPIC margin.
-Dalmation outfits for both my sister and I, which were cold weather PJ's doing double duty as costumes, with big black felt dots all over them. Why do parents do that? Turn perfectly good PJ's into a costume, so then we have to lay on the buttons/felt dots/frou-frou costume crap that was sewn onto the PJ's?
-Halloween fairs and carnivals; no rides, just fish bowl ping-pong ball toss, regular ring toss on coke bottles, bean bag toss, cake walk, and lots of plastic trinkets like rings, necklaces, spiders and stuff that we thought at the time were GOLD but ended up being stuffed into a drawer for a gazillion years until we cleaned the drawer out and threw them away.
-Our mom making our favorite dinner, spaghetti.
-Plastic jack o'lantern buckets? NO WAY, they'd NEVER hold enough loot! We used the BIG GUNS-large grocery store paper bags with handles or, if we were into sibling competition and a lot of short sprints, pillowcases. Sometimes we'd make such good time, going door to door, that we'd have to empty a full pillowcase at home and go back out to fill up again. Speaking of the grocery store paper bags, in school we'd bring in said paperbags, cut eyeholes in them and decorate them as masks. I sucked at it, but Tori was really good. She was the 'artsy-fartsy' one in the family.
The houses in our neighborhood now are too big and far apart, so it's not energy-effective for kids to go trick or treating around here. The people don't give extra-special treats, just same ol', same ol', so each year the kids would get fewer and fewer. One year, however, we had a TON of kids...figure that they musta bussed 'em in from Fresno or something.
Our feet would be in the starting blocks just after dinner at dusk, just WAITING for the street lamps to come on. Once the streetlamps came on, it was like the starting gun at a track meet. G'BYE!!!
(The littlest kids were out just before dusk, but their parents usually just went to 5 houses then took 'em home. I now realize that the little ones went early, kind of like a runner that has a few seconds to get ahead, because the little ones' parents didn't want to get run over by us.)

The first 5-10 houses were warm up houses, to get our 'Stop-Yell "Trick or Treat"-Look at the Loot-Run' timing down pat. Our parents wouldn't EVEN try to keep up-they'd wait on the corner for us to circumnavigate the block, they knew we'd be back to them within around 20 minutes.
Why is it that the people who have shitty candy, like boxes of raisins, just place them into your sack so nobody could tell what they put in there, whereas people that had great candy would toss it in there so everybody could see what everybody was getting? AND we used to get handfuls of candycorn, for God's sake! The neighbors would grab a handful and just toss it into your bag.
Just as now, our parents would check our candy, but I think the motivation was a little different than now. Now, parents look for contraband, unsafe stuff, possible tampered-with candy; THEN, our parents went through our candy but I'd notice some of the REALLY choicest, goodest stuff gone after they went through it. I guess we should've thanked our parents for saving us from potentially unsafe stuff. I GUESS...
-We never needed flashlights, we'd just trust our 'radar feet' to avoid the neighbors' sprinklerheads, and if we tripped and fell over one of them, well, we'd just pick ourselves up and try to make up for those lost 10 seconds of candy-gathering we spent picking ourselves up. Didn't bother crying, that'd take ANOTHER 10 seconds away.
Another note-did anyone realize how much time we as kids spend 'gathering stuff' during some holidays? The loot and spoils we get? Halloween, DUH, but Christmas for presents, Valentine's Day for valentines and candy, Easter for eggs and candy...I think it's a plot for our parents to make us do something to get us out of their hair and feed us candy to keep our mouths occupied. It's a plot. I know it. I use it even now.

-We'd go through all our candy and separate it into four piles:
Great
Good
So-so/Iffy (like those stupid boxes of raisins)
Duplicates
We would get dupes, and those would be for trading with siblings. Not everybody got the same thing each time.
We'd then leave the So-So candy in an obvious place (for our parents to find) then hide the good stuff in the closet. We'd put a couple of duplicate good ones in there so they'd get the idea that they had FOUND the stash.
-PICTURES. TONS of pictures and Super 8 movies of us. Pictures of us leaving, at the neighbors, coming back in with our full sacks, all sorts of pics. Wish I still had them.
-When we were older, we'd pick our own costumes, and try to be 'cool', be 'in'. Hard to do when you have no figure, no front, and you look more like a boy than a girl, but I tried. One year it was the British Invasion, Twiggy and the British black and white, checkerboard, plastic had look was in, so I did that. As usual, turned out sucky, but whatever. I think Halloweens like that taught me to prepare WELL in advance for any situation or event that requires special attire.
-When I was in my 'kinda' teens, in the 60's the neat places to go with a date were the haunted houses. They were THE place to go, especially with a cute guy. I'd pretend I didn't know the Campus Life friends that were monsters and I'd use every possible moment to scream and clutch at my date. If the guy liked me, he'd hold on to me and 'protect' me from those monsters. Unfortunately, I never went on a date where BOTH those things happened. It'd be either me trying to cling and he'd shy away with a non-verbal body language type of 'ewwww', or HIM trying to grab onto to me and try to cop a feel. I never knew if they did or not because when you're a -28 -AAAA bra size, a walnut would notice more than I could.
-I can remember a few very choice, very cool parties. My sister Tori always gave great parties; one year around 1979-1980 Bub and I went as Laurel and Hardy (I was Hardy) and another year Bub went as a priest, complete with a 'church key' around his neck (a beer can opener, children) and I went as a pregnant nun. I carried a guitar with me which had a sign on the back that read, "I should have DANCED all night!" Another year, we were barbarians.
One party was pretty cool also, given by some friends of ours in Moreno Valley 1992. I ACTUALLY still have a pic from that! They're below.

If I have a memoir of 'back in the day', I just can't avoid pics of kids to embarrass them with!
To the 'way below left is Laine as a devil (talk about TYPE-COSTUMING!) in 1985. Immediately below, he's a ninja in 1986.



Below is Jackie, circa NOW. TODAY. October 31, 2009.









Here are some blast from the past pics...below, Barry & I as barbarians for one of Tori's parties. I'm below as a cheerleader for a party in Moreno Valley, 1992. Shit, 17 YEARS AGO. YES, I still have the outfit, don't know if I can get into it or not...I'll give it a shot for NEXT Halloween, k?

Another 'costume' (or not) was 1974 LBPD, to the left. I took my hat off and my hair went flying.

DO NOT LAUGH AT THE NEXT ONE-IT WAS MY VERY VERY FIRST PROM, February 1970.