Types of Riders in a Ride Boss's 'Herd'

I was writing today's ride info and I just dashed this off.

This is a work in progress. I wrote this in 20 minutes, just using the people I’ve ridden with in the past 6 months, but I’m DEFINITELY going to have to add more as time goes on.
The opinions herein stated have no basis in fact or fiction, or have basis of any person, place or thing, real or imaginary, or anything else that will get me into trouble. I don't worry about censors, I don't worry about lawsuits, I worry about other stuff.

In smaller groups that I've led, I have noticed that there are different types of riders. I’ll use a horse and herd analogy, and if some of you read this and take offense at my analogy, oh well, too bad, so sad. It's MY BLOG, dammit, so see the disclaimer above. Even if you recognize yourself in here, it ain't YOU.

There is of course, the Ride Boss Mare (Yeah, 3 GUESSES who THAT IS, and I don't EVEN want to hear anyone singing, 'The ol' grey mare, she ain't what she used to be'...OR ELSE) who manages the herd and gets them from point A to point B with the most amount of enjoyment and the smallest amount of hassle. The Ride Boss knows that a happy herd is a manageable herd, so she tries to make sure all members of the herd are, if not happy, at least content with their experience. Some Ride Bosses are Alpha Mares. Hmm, they probably would have to be Alphas in order to handle the myriad types of riders presented.

On freeways, the Ride Boss is strict, making sure that the herd stays together so that she can protect and guide them. ANY of the herd that try to bend the Ride Boss’s rules WILL gently be positioned back into their place in the herd. Or ELSE. (Oh yes, another moniker for the mare Ride Boss is 'She Who Must Be Obeyed' . Just FYI.)

The Ride Boss does realize however that there are different members of the herd that need to be handled according to their riding inclinations and preferences. The Ride Boss has to quickly identify members of her herd and their idiosyncrasies so that she can offer the most enjoyable trip possible to all. Hey, it's worked SO FAR.

The Contented Horse is happy to ride with or behind the Ride Boss, just enjoying being with the herd, going somewhere interesting, and/or making sure the Ride Boss is protected and safe. They are more of an ‘endurance’ horse. Sometimes the Contented Horse likes to run with the wind and take off, so the wise Ride Boss encourages and urges them to go for it.

Next, there is the Mustang in the herd. The Ride Boss can actually sense their impatience when they're pawing the ground, snorting (with their LOUD exhaust pipes) and rearing up (usually up the Ride Bosses’ ass), so she will encourage and urge any and all Mustangs to unbridle themselves, take off and enjoy (and also to get them off her ass). This usually happens on roads with lots and lots and LOTS of curves. It will almost, practially ever NEVER happen on a freeway. Again, OR ELSE. (see above freeway reference.) There ARE certain occasions where a Mustang will take off and leave the Ride Boss and herd in the dust, but these are few and far between and usually have some sort of urgency going on for the Mustang.

Then there’s the Pony. The (usually) young Pony doesn’t even really ride with the herd-he’ll take off in a way like the Mustang, will not slow down until he reaches the destination, and then when the others get there, will take off again. Ponies usually don’t like to run with the herd. The Ride Boss DOES welcome Ponies because the Ride Boss is not only a Mom but ALSO an EMT, so when the Pony overextends himself, the Ride Boss can scrape up the pieces of the Pony so that not only will the Pony be able to post the crash on Facebook from his LG phone while he's in the ambulance, but also so that his mom can recognize him afterwards. This is so she can kill him, put him in "Time Out" for a couple of decades, and take away the keys to his bike. Actually, a worse fate for the Pony would be for his Mom to NOT kill him, but sell his bike (or what's left of it) on Craigslist.

There’s the Parade Horse. The Parade Horse is much like the Contented Horse, except the Parade Horse is much heavier and ‘decked out’ than any of the other horses. I will take a quote from Wikipedia regarding the Parade Horse:
“A Parade horse refers specifically to a type of horse attired in elaborate, specialized equipment that is more often seen today in specialized competitions and exhibitions as well as parades. (see Gold Wing)”
Ok, ok, I just added that Gold Wing part myself, cut me some slack. It’s MY frickin’ blog, after all.
The Parade Horse usually has an additional horse perched on the back, either reading, sleeping, or waving to the crowd in a 'Disney-esque princess on a float' type of way.

The Slow, Plodding Draft Horse isn't really a 'draft' workhorse at all, but IS slow and plodding, has kind of a 'dum-de-dum-de-dum, dum, dump da-dum' gait. (Hum it to yourself a couple of times, you'll eventually 'get it'). I hate to say it, but it's been my experience (and I've only had one, one was QUITE enough, thank 'q) that these folks drive trikes, and always wear out their clutches by not only feathering out the clutch, but feathering it out to the point that they pluck the whole chicken. They are also usually well off, because to replace a trike's clutch isn't exactly cheap but does take a while.

There are many riders who show portions or parts of different types, such as a Contented Horse with Mustang tendencies, depending on their comfort level with the road: a Pony with some Contented Horse tendencies (this rider usually has more than one bike and can choose the type of ride they wish to do); a Mustang with some Parade Horse tendencies, depending on how much freakin’ CHROME he has; or even a Ride Boss with some Mustang overtones, especially entering and riding freeways. But you will NEVER, EVER see a Mustang, a Pony or a Ride Boss with Slow, Plodding Draft Horse tendencies. NEVER. Unless they didn't take their medication that morning, or need new front brakes.

One may note that usually most of the other herd (mares, contented horses, parade horses, etc) are considered easier to handle than stallions or mustangs. Unless the mare is the Ride Boss. I leave it to your imagination how IMPOSSIBLE it would be and IS to handle a Ride Boss mare.